Society makes us believe that becoming a mother is a moment of pure joy and fulfillment. A myth that is reinforced through advertisements, books, and even everyday conversations: a woman holding her newborn baby in her arms, filled with love, happiness, and pride. But what happens when these feelings don’t arise? When a woman feels overwhelmed, lonely, or even disconnected from her own child?
This topic remains a taboo. Many women do not dare to speak openly about it—out of fear of being labeled a bad mother. The societal expectation is clear: Becoming a mother is something natural, something that should automatically bring joy. And yet, there are women who feel lost in this new chapter of life.
To understand this reality, we speak in this interview with Marie-Jeanne Schon, a family therapist who has been working with mothers and families for many years. She knows how difficult it is to admit these feelings—and how important it is to talk about them.
Between Hormones and Societal Pressure
A new mother does not just experience emotional changes but also a hormonal rollercoaster. The so-called "baby blues"—a short, melancholic phase after birth—is quite common. But sometimes, it goes beyond that. Postnatal depression can last a long time and put a strain on the relationship between mother and child.
Marie-Jeanne Schon explains:"The moment a woman realizes she is pregnant, entirely new perspectives open up. This brings enormous changes—with her career, her partner, or within her family. The idea that becoming a mother automatically means happiness is therefore a major oversimplification."
For many women, the feeling after birth is not the expected euphoria but rather pressure, insecurity, or even a sense of distance from their baby.
"I have met women who said: 'Now the baby is here, but I don’t feel that happiness.' Or: 'I take care of my baby, but somehow it doesn’t fulfill me.' This can be hormonally driven, but it can also be linked to the birth experience—especially after a difficult delivery or a C-section."
Additionally, the phrase "The most important thing is that your baby is healthy" is often heard from friends and family. While well-intended, it can be an additional burden for affected women.
"When a mother is struggling, the fact that her baby is healthy does not automatically mean that she feels good. The pressure of 'I MUST be happy' can make things even worse."
The Problem of Loneliness
In the past, grandmothers, aunts, or other family members often helped young mothers adjust to their new role. Today, that is rarely the case. Women are expected to quickly "function" again—ready for work, social life, and their partners. The mental and emotional burden is barely discussed.
"We see that young mothers today receive less support than in the past. In other cultures, it is still common for a woman to be cared for by her family after giving birth. Here in Luxembourg, many women find themselves alone—and that can lead to enormous psychological stress."
This became particularly evident during the COVID-19 pandemic, when many women gave birth in complete isolation—without visitors, without concrete support.
"Women still come to therapy today and say: 'My first birth was during the pandemic, and I hope this time it will be completely different.' This shows how deeply these experiences affect them."
When the Bond Doesn’t Form Immediately
The image of an instant emotional connection between mother and child is another ideal that does not always reflect reality. For some women, bonding is a process that takes time.
"There are women who do not immediately feel connected to their baby after birth—especially if the birth was traumatic or if they felt unsupported. But that is not uncommon."
This experience can also affect the baby’s behavior.
"Some babies cry a lot because they sense that something is wrong. Others withdraw and sleep more than usual. In practice, we often see that the mother’s emotions directly affect the baby."
We Need More Honesty and Education
There is no simple solution to this problem, but one important step is to talk about it more openly.
"Being a mother is not just a Hollywood version of perfectly decorated nurseries and radiant women. It is a process, a profound transformation—with ups and downs. It is important not to ignore this other side."
A society that understands motherhood in all its facets can provide better support. A major step would be to change the expectation that every woman must feel "happy" from the very first moment.
"The best prevention is education: telling women that it is normal if they do not immediately feel the way they expected. And above all: knowing where to find help if they are struggling."
The reality is that many women go through this experience without speaking about it. But through openness, the stigma can be broken—and that alone would be an important step toward change.
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